A Very Vorelando Christmas

“Ho! Ho! Ho!” Vorelando screamed directly into the camera which panned out to reveal a live studio audience.

“Welcome everybody to the Vorelando Magic Holiday Spectacular, presented to you live from the White Void!!!!!”

[Audience cheering]

“Now I hope everyone is excited for what we have in store for you today, interviews with some of your favourite characters from chapters past, present and future, a veritable who’s who of void dwellers!”

[Audience cheering]

“And somewhere along the way, we might even uncover some dark truths about the establishment.”

The audience grew silent, fearful in the knowledge that the establishment watches all.

Vorelando ignored the silence and sat down in one of the white chairs, indistinguishable from the void around it.

“Our first guest of the evening is a long time friend of the show, it’s Mr All Sizzle, Kobe Steakhouse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

As Kobe entered the void from stage left wearing a legally distinct purple and gold Versace suit, everyone in the crowd began spontaneously beating the shit out of each other, the stress of being trapped in the void already getting to them.

“Should we do something about that?” Kobe whispered to Vorelando as he sat down across from him.

“No.” Vorelando replied curtly.

“But-“

“So Mr Steakhouse!” Vorelando cut across both his friend and the sound of snapping bones “There’s one question on everyone’s mind when it comes to you… Is your name racist?”

This question was so intriguing that it got the audience to freeze and re seat themselves in an orderly fashion.

“Haha, that’s an oddly intrusive question Vo, but no, it is categorically not racist.”

“I would like you to explain how it isn’t, Steakhouse isn’t exactly a common surname, I’m sure you can see why the residents of Kobe, Japan have been calling for you to crucified and drained of your blood to feed their children for another year.”

“Well actually Vorelando, ‘Steakhouse’ is a bit of a misnomer, it’s actually ‘Steak-House’. Got the steak from my mother and the house from my father.”

“I am almost certain you mentioned your father being called ‘Mr Steakhouse’ at some stage but I am not going to verify that so you’re off the hook.”

“Canon is made in the moment Vorelando, if you get lost in what came before, you close your eyes to the possibility of a greater, less racist future.”

The audience applauded Kobe’s wise words.

“Sure, sure. Next question, how has your life been affected by woke liberal cancel culture?”

“Not at all.”

“That’s great to hear, one time they CANCELLED me for saying [redacted for fear of violating the terms of service]. All I did was tell the truth, I think the left can’t handle facts.”

“Uhhhhh-“

“Next question. I’ve always been curious about what happened to people after I destroyed the concept of marketable reality, could you tell me about that?”

“That was you???”

“Answer the fucking question Kobe, I am God within these ill defined walls.”

Vorelando brushed his shirt to the side causally, revealing a revolver duct taped to his abodomen. Kobe got the message.

“Well, after you left, I continued to watch Two’s matchup. I took a few bathroom breaks, grabbed myself some more fries, they even started offering showers to those that remained in the stands. I sort of lost track of time, hours or days, I can’t be sure. But after a while I noticed the far side of the voratorium crumbling into dust, beyond it I saw nothing but the infinite white void. I thought I had come to terms with my mortality, my infinitesimal existence but in that moment, I was mad unwhole. I gazed as people became nothing and their screams became more. All I could think was ‘why is the void white?’ And then I stopped existing.”

The audience, not knowing quite how to react, slowly broke into a chorus of applause.

“Well, I’d love to unpack your trauma left but we’ve only got so much time here, and you’re really eating into more than your fair share. One last question before you go, can readers expect to see you in the new arc of Vorelando?”

Kobe opened his mouth to respond before promptly melting all over his chair.

“Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Kobe Steakhouse!”

The audience members who were still capable of clapping at this stage did so, the rest of them rattled their bloody limbs against their restraints.

“Our next guest might be a bit of a surprise, not even she knows that she’s going to be here. From the critically acclaimed Sequence of Kai series, it’s Kai [ ]!”

As Vorelando said this, I girl with asymmetric white hair and a scowl materialized on top of Kobe’s melted remains.

“Kai, I’m so glad to have on the show.”

“I told you to stop doing this shit, are you lame, deaf or both?”

“I just have a degradation fetish, and pale girls are my type. And might I say, your choice of outfit is exquisite, is it Christmas in your time line too?”

Kai looked down at her body. The Black and grey clothes she would’ve been expecting before Vorelando’s bizarre remark had been replaced by a rather suggestive Santa outfit. Instinctively, she ripped the hat she knew had materialized off her head.

“Enough with your fetish shit, just get whatever it is you need with me done before I rip your neck open.”

“You know you love it.”

Kai took a swipe at Vorelando’s neck but he jerked his body back just far enough to avoid it.

“Meowwww! Anyway, there’s a lot of questions that people would like answers to, whether it be your relationship with that Trish girl, inquiries about your general identity or perhaps, people would be interested to know what your appearance here today means for the greater canon of all worlds, real and unreal?”

“Those all sound like a lot to unpack in one go.”

“Exactly, which is why instead, I want to ask you if you’ve read Attack on Titan?”

“Why would you want to know that?”

“Well it’s what we’re doing right now so it doesn’t exist within the context of my world. It’s sort of how like George A. Romero doesn’t exist in the world of The Walking Dead because otherwise things would seem a little absurd. So I’m interested to hear your take on it, because while I hadn’t read it in my initial run, I had heard of the controversy.”

“Sure, I’ve read it.”

“And what did you think?”

“Well.”