Kaabii / Comments

Kaabii

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Literally Kamijou Touma from the hit anime series A Certain Magical Index featuring Kamijou Touma

This account is a safe space for all robophobes. Fuck clankers.

Walesgender 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿
Pronouns: Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrn/drobwllllantysiliogogogoch

registered at: Jun 02, 2023

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Jun 23, 2023

Not bad. It was a fun read. I will continue reading if I have time. And while you are at it, give my novel, "Redo of a Healer" a read too.

Crystal Sky

Chapter:0

Jun 21, 2023

Seems like an interesting start, but I highly recommend you break up your paragraphs. It becomes exhausting to read when a single paragraph takes up 80% of your screen

From the Depths of an Emotionless Heart

Chapter:1

Jun 20, 2023

Good lord, that is one hell of a title

I died out of embarrassment and reincarnated as a demon lord, now I wander the dungeon with my harem of cute catgirls, but I want to return to Earth so I study teleportation magic, but most of the books of this world are lost, so I am trying to find them

Chapter:0

Jun 20, 2023

Very interesting start, will be nice to learn about the history between Cellia and her master

Absolute Darkness

Chapter:0

Jun 19, 2023

Good emotional stakes for a prologue, sets up character motivation well. But if I were to give some criticism, I'd say things happen too fast here. It's set up to be suspenseful, but hits it's end point without much elaboration

Midnight Mademoiselle

Chapter:0

Jun 19, 2023

The idea sounds interesting enough, but your paragraphs are very difficult to read. It'd be much more fluid and natural if it was more broken up and segmented.
You also don't use nearly enough punctuation, and the lack of quotation marks for speech makes it very difficult to tell when someone is speaking and when it's just narration.
At the moment, this reads more like a person in real life recounting a story that happened to them to a friend, instead of an actual novel chapter.
The ideas are good. The structure needs a lot of work.

ESCAPE FORM THIS HELL TO THE REAL WORLD

Chapter:1

Jun 19, 2023

Short but sweet opening. Putting oneself at risk for a family member is a good way to establish a likeable protagonist, and having the only surviving relative be sick and dying adds some nice emotional stakes. I hope you can deliver a good story with this setup

Raven of Rowe: The White Rose

Chapter:0

Jun 19, 2023

Interesting, although the framing is a little confusing and hard to follow at times. The title definitely draws you in

A Car is Parked Outside the Dollhouse. (Mind Club - the prototype)

Chapter:1

Jun 19, 2023

The idea of a draconian school banning dating is interesting, but your writing is all over the place. There's not nearly enough punctuation, the paragraphs are formatted in a way that's really hard to follow and the grammar is poor.

You jump around between events too quickly so the progression of the story feels unnatural and way too rushed. Plus it jumps from dialogue to internal monologue without any indication as to which is which.

Talk no Talk

Chapter:1

Jun 19, 2023

Sounds like a really interesting idea for a story, will be fun to where it goes from here

Love Beyond Death and Rebirth

Chapter:0

Jun 06, 2023

An interesting hook, I'll make sure to pay attention to this one in the future. And thanks for checking my work out too!

Crystal Sky

Chapter:0

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